Being as I’m always talking up the all different TVs that Vann’s carries and all their different features, I think it’s only fair that I take the time to point out the ways that sitcoms have warped my perception of reality. Only as I grow older do I truly realize the fallacious nature of my understanding. If you want to make a successful sitcom, here are the lies you will need to sell to your viewers:
1. All fat guys have hot wives, and it doesn’t matter how much he screws up or how dumb he is, she will always forgive him. Unfortunately, this beautifully orchestrated world is no more than a pipe dream. (Trust me, I’ve put on 40 lbs in hopes of picking up a supermodel, but to no avail).
2. The end of every episode leaves everyone in the exact same place they started. That way, you can make your show last forever. Better yet, use cartoons so you don’t have to worry about them aging. If you’re having trouble keeping any type of a moving plot completely out your sitcom, try taking tips from soap operas where they can slow a plot to a near standstill. Remember: nothing gained, nothing changed.
3. People leave time for the laugh track to dissipate after they say funny things. When doing this in real life, people tend to look at me awkwardly. Think how dumb they’ll feel when I finally get a studio audience to follow me around.
4. No one ever says “goodbye” at the end of a phone call. Originating from action movies, this has now made its way into the average family sitcom. Why say goodbye when you can simply say something dramatic and hang up the phone? Better yet, hang up after they say something. It’s great because there is no footage of the person on the other side saying “Hello? You there?”. I tried finishing a conversation with my Grandma this way the other day. I said, “Alright, send me some cookies.” *click* …but she didn’t understand cuz she’s old…
5. Two and a Half Men is funny. Now I know that some of you are thinking “but it IS funny!”, but I swear to you, watch it sober for once and you’ll understand.